WHAT IS LISTENING?

If you ask a group of people to give a one word description of listening, some would say hearing; however, hearing is physical. Listening is following and understanding the sound---it is hearing with a purpose. In the other word, listening is the process of receiving, constructing meaning from, and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages; to hear something with thoughtful attention.

Listening is the absorption of the meanings of words and sentences by the brain. Listening leads to the understanding of facts and ideas. But listening takes attention, or sticking to the task at hand in spite of distractions. It requires concentration, which is the focusing of your thoughts upon one particular problem.

LISTENING VERSUS HEARING

To better understanding how and why the listening process can be, at times, so ineffective, you should know that listening and hearing are not the same. Instead, hearing is actually just one stage of listening, which occurs when your ears pick up sound waves and transmit these waves to your brain. On the ather hand, listening is a whole communication process. By understanding of process and utilizing the right tools, you can improve your listening skills, ensuring you do more than just hear the words.

• Hearing- physical process; natural; passive

• Listening- physical & mental process; active; learned process; a skill

As we said, listening is not the same as hearing. Listening is a conscious activity based on three basic skills: attitude, attention, and adjustment.

 Maintain a constructive Attitude

A positive attitude paves the way for open-mindedness. Don't assume from the outset that a meeting is going to be dull. And even if the speaker makes statements you don't agree with, don't decide he or she is automatically wrong. Don't let reactive interference prevent you from recalling the speaker's key points.

 Strive to pay Attention

You cannot attain concentration by concentrating on the act of concentration. Your attention must focus on the meeting. When you hear a statement, the words enter your short-term memory, where they have to be swiftly processed into ideas. If they aren't processed, then they will be dumped from short-term memory and will be gone forever. Attentive listening makes sure the ideas are processed.

 Cultivate a capacity for Adjustment

Although some speakers clearly indicate what they intend to cover in their subject, you need to be flexible enough to follow a speaking regardless of the direction it may take. If, however, you are thoroughly lost, or if the speaker's message is not coming across and you need to ask a clarifying question, do so.

WHAT AFFECTS LISTENING?

What do you think of the subject matter?
Is it new or have you a lot of experience with it?
Will it be difficult to understand, or simple?
Is it important to you, or just fun?

Is the speaker experienced or nervous?
What are the non-verbal cues of the speaker?
What frame of mind is he or she?
How personable, threatening, intelligent, etc.?

Is the space conducive to listening?
or to interaction or exchange with the speaker?
Are there avoidable distractions?

Is the message illustrated with
with visuals or examples?
Is technology used effectively?
Are concepts introduced incrementally, or with examples?

ADVANCED EMPATHY

What is it: reflection of content and feeling at a deeper level.

Purpose: To try and get an understanding of what may be deeper feelings

e.g.
I get the sense that you are really angry about what was said, but I am wondering if you also feel a little hurt by it.

You said that you feel more confident about contacting employers, but I wonder if you also still feel a bit scared.

Since empathy involves understanding the emotions of other people, the way it is characterised is derivative of the way emotions themselves are characterised. If for example, emotions are taken to be centrally characterised by bodily feelings, then grasping the bodily feelings of another will be central to empathy. On the other hand, if emotions are more centrally characterised by combinations of beliefs and desires, then grasping these beliefs and desires will be more essential to empathy

EMPATHY AND LISTENING SKILLS

The use of empathy and listening skills sometimes leads to good relationships and emotional intimacy. The combination of empathy and listening skills is also known as "empathic listening."

Here's an example of how empathic listening differs from another type of listening: I'm listening to a computer instructor explain how to use a new word processing program. She is delivering her explanation with enthusiasm.

One type of listening focuses on understanding the program in order to learn how to use it. While listening I might be having thoughts such as:

This new version doesn't differ much from the previous one.
I don't understand the new way of formatting a page.
I have many questions to ask during the question period.

Another type of listening, empathic listening, focuses on understanding the instructor's enthusiasm in order to learn something about her. While listening I might be having thoughts such as:

She certainly enjoys teaching this word processing program.
I think she would enjoy teaching any subject.
She seems very impressed with the usefulness of this new version.

To summarize the difference between the purpose of the two types of listening: understanding the information the instructor is presenting as compared with understanding the meaning to her of presenting the information. The "meaning" to her would consist of items such as:

her feelings about teaching
the importance to her of teaching this particular program
her evaluation of the program

One type of listening focuses on the program and the other focuses on her. Another term for "focuses on her" is "listens to empathize."

EMPATHIZING

Empathizing means that you have the ability to put yourself in your partner.. To empathize you must ignore your own, adult perception of the situation for the moment and accept your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and ideas of the situation as yours. See it through your partner's eyes--during your discussion.

Empathizing does not mean you need to agree with your partner.

Empathizing does not mean you need to give in to your partner, or allow her or him to set her or his own rules to avoid confrontation.

Empathizing means you do not dismiss what your partner says as ridiculous or silly. Your acceptance of your partner's thoughts, ideas, and feelings increase the chance that your partner will talk to you about the problems and issues that he or she is facing.

It is easy to know when you are being empathic because:

1. Your body language and tone match

2. Your tone and your feelings match

3. You are focused on what your partner is saying and meaning You are trying to see things from your partner's point of view which requires that:

· You do not impose your feelings, thoughts, and ideas throughout the conversation

· You refrain from immediately giving advice

· You are tired after listening because it takes a great deal of energy

· You ask yourself if you would make that same statement to an adult. If not then think twice about making it.

ACTIVE OR EMPATHIC LISTENING

Active or empathic listening stresses putting one's self in another's place. The goal is to effectively understand and accurately interpret another's meanings. The authors identify three problems with this sort of approach.

First, we cannot actually get inside another's mind or occupy their perspective. Nor can we actually set aside our own perspective. Second, paraphrasing under this approach can become a mere parroting back of the other's words, which tends to frustrate the other person. Third, these approaches focus each participant's attention on the other's internal psychological state, rather than focusing on the joint process and interaction of communication

Listening is an active process that has three basic steps.

Hearing: Hearing just means listening enough to catch what the speaker is saying. For example, say you were listening to a report on zebras, and the speaker mentioned that no two are alike. If you can repeat the fact, then you have heard what has been said.
Understanding: The next part of listening happens when you take what you have heard and understand it in your own way. Let's go back to that report on zebras. When you hear that no two are alike, think about what that might mean. You might think, "Maybe this means that the pattern of stripes is different for each zebra."
Judging: After you are sure you understand what the speaker has said, think about whether it makes sense. Do you believe what you have heard? You might think, "How could the stripes to be different for every zebra? But then again, the fingerprints are different for every person. I think this seems believable."

Listening is needed everywhere

n Listening skills form the basis of:

q Continued learning

q Teamwork skills

q Management skills

q Negotiation skills

q Emotional intelligence

But not practiced effectively

n 70% of all communication is

q Misunderstood

q Misinterpreted

q Rejected

q Distorted

q Not heard

Most communication experts agree that poor listening skills are the biggest contributors to poor communication. There are four basic types of listening. Which one do you think most people practice?

1. Inactive listening. The definition of this is the old adage, “In one ear and out the other.” You hear the words, but your mind is wandering and no communication is taking place.

2. Selective listening. You hear only what you want to hear. You hear some of the message and immediately begin to formulate your reply or second guess the speaker without waiting for the speaker to finish.

3. Active listening. You listen closely to content and intent. What emotional meaning might the speaker be giving you? You try to block out barriers to listening. Most importantly, you are non-judgmental and empathetic.

4. Reflective Listening. This is active listening when you also work to clarify what the speaker is saying and make sure there is mutual understanding.

ACTIVE LISTENING

Hearing is a physical act of the ear. It is involuntary and done unconsciously. Listening is a conscious activity that takes active participation from the listener to achieve. Active listening is a learned communication technique, as most communication skills are. To become an active listener takes patience and practice.

Good listening skills are important, both in the workplace and in day-to-day living. In today's workplace good listening skills are considered to be one of the most important managerial skills - an interesting concept when you consider that listening skills aren't usually taught in the educational system.

Did You Know?

􀃂Most of us have not been taught to listen but we spend about half of our time listening.

􀃂About 50% of misunderstandings occur because people do not listen effectively.

􀃂Some of us believe that being heard is more important than listening to another person.

􀃂People believe that just because a person has hearing ability, then he or she can also listen actively.

􀃂Many of us have never heard that active listening is important.

􀃂Eighty percent of interpersonal communication is non-verbal.

WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING?

Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding. Often when people talk to each other, they don’t listen attentively. They are often distracted, half listening, half thinking about something else. Individuals in conflict often contradict one another. This has the effect of denying the validity of the other person’s position. This can make one defensive, and they may either lash out, or withdraw. On the other hand, if one finds that the other partly understands, an atmosphere of cooperation can be created. This increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict.

Active listening is a structured form of listening and responding that focuses the attention on the speaker. The listener must take care to attend to the speaker fully, and then repeats, in the listener’s own words, what he or she thinks the speaker has said. The listener does not have to agree with the speaker--he or she must simply state what they think the speaker said. This enables the speaker to find out whether the listener really understood. If the listener did not, the speaker can explain some more.

This type of listening is called active because it requires certain behaviors of the listener. These behaviors include listening carefully, not interrupting, using words and body language (like eye contact and sitting forward) to convey a genuine attempt to understand what the other person is saying.

And in other description, the active listening is giving undivided attention to a speaker in a genuine effort to understand the speaker's point of view.

Active listening, is catalytic in the sense that it provides the conditions for the speaker to reveal important information and achieve the goals of the dialogue. Active listening sends a message of willingness to listen.

Active listening is used in a wide variety of situations, including interviews in employment, counseling and journalistic settings. In groups it may aid in reaching consensus. It may also be used in casual conversation to build understanding.

The benefits of active listening include getting people to open up, avoiding misunderstandings, resolving conflict and building trust.

In active listening:

§ You listen with an “open mind.”

§ You take responsibility for your own learning and tell your brain to ”pay attention.”

§ You relate to and find examples for what is said to your own life experiences.

§ You compare and contrast ideas that are stated to things you already know.

§ You silently work at challenging, questioning, wondering about, and understanding what is being said.

§ You ask a question when you don’t understand or when you want to know more.

Active listening;

• It’s a communication skill that involves both the speaker and the receiver.

• In active listening, the receiver tries to understand what feelings, thoughts, & beliefs are being communicated and accepts it as the person’s own.

• The listener feeds back only what they believe the sender’s message meant - nothing more, nothing less. It involves feedback (verbal and nın-verbal) and verification that the receiver correctly understood the senders message.

• The active listener avoids getting stuck in another person’s “helpless” feelings.

Active Listening means that you seeking to understand. You make sure that you are getting the correct message without passing judgment.

Active listeners can be detected from their body language – e.g. leaning toward the speaker, nodding, and making eye contact. Active listeners may increase their pulse rate and even perspire. They may tire easily.

WHY LISTEN ACTIVELY?

􀂃Our brain works four times the speed that someone can speak. You have to actively focus on listening so that your mind doesn’t wander.

􀂃It enriches you and those around you, and guides other areas of your life.

􀂃It can build trust and respect between people, and prevent misunderstandings that can lead to conflict, frustration or hurt feelings.

􀂃While listening to other people’s point of view, you may just learn something new and fascinating!

IMPORTANCE OF ACTIVE LISTENING

The process of communication requires not only effective speaking, but active listening, with purpose and intent. Only by combining active listening with effective speaking is it possible to gain understanding and promote open communication.

Active listening involves more than hearing the words someone says. It takes effort to understand the ideas and feelings that another person is trying to communicate. Active listening means paying attention to a person’s words and body language (facial expressions, eye contact, posture, voice tone, and gestures). If the listener lacks interest, has a closed mind, becomes distracted, or interprets the message incorrectly, the communication is ineffective. The listener and the sender are equally responsible for effective communication.

Think of a time when you felt that someone was not really listening to you. What let you know that the other person was not listening, and how did that make you feel?

Reflecting on your own experiences may help you understand the importance of active listening. Trying to communicate with someone who is not listening attentively can be frustrating and unproductive, and can lead to misunderstanding, conflict, or impaired job performance.

Active listening is important because it can help you understand other people. This can make you more successful in the workplace and help you have better relationships with friends and family. When other people feel you really listen to them, they can be much easier to deal with because they feel you understand their position

Active listening is important because:

> it is the best way to get good-quality information

> it makes you feel good – you have the full attention of another person

> it stimulates openness and creativity; easy to formulate own ideas and opinions

> you feel respected and valued, personally and professionally.

The Main Goals to Active Listening

• Maximize your understanding of the other’s perspective

• Minimize their defensiveness (and your own, too)

KEY CONCEPTS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

Listening can mean simply hearing what was said. Active listening is a learned behavior that requires skill and practice.

These suggestions can promote active listening:

1. Display involvement in what the person is saying. Show interest verbally by encouraging the speaker to say what is on her mind. Show interest nonverbally by focusing on the person who is speaking. Use body posture that shows that the person has your full attention (e.g., lean forward in the chair with hands in your lap; don’t lean back in the chair with arms crossed over your chest).

2. Carefully observe the person speaking. Observe his words and body language to learn more about how he feels about the situation he is describing.

3. Resist distractions. Stay focused on the conversation and avoid doing anything else (answering the phone, starting another conversation) other than listening to what is being said. 4. Try to stay focused on what is being said. Notice the speaker’s behavior (e.g., nervousness or anger during the conversation), but work at not being distracted by it.

5. Ask for clarification of anything that you do not fully understand. Ask questions regarding meaning or intent. Restate or paraphrase what the other person said.

6. Avoid making judgments about what is said. Expressing personal views or biases can cloud the communication.

Active listeners speak 30% of the time and listen 70% of the time. Sometimes, we have to try hard not to interrupt – the only acceptable reason is to clarify or confirm what has been said.

Why is active listening difficult?

A number of feelings and circumstances can get in the way of active listening and make it difficult:

· When people are preoccupied with current life stresses or difficult situations, it is hard for them to listen.

· Anxiety can make it hard to listen. For example, children who are anxious at school often have a difficult time learning.

· Being angry at the person who is talking also makes it hard to listen, especially if the person is blaming you or talking about something he or she feels is your fault.

· Having an idea in mind of what a person "should" do makes it hard to listen to that person's point of view. This is particularly true if the feelings he or she is expressing do not seem logical to you.

When to Use Active Listening

Inappropriate

· Routine interactions

· Physical emergencies

Appropriate

· Organizational Crises

· Conflict situations

· Giving and receiving feedback

· Brainstorming, problem solving

· Seeking peers’ cooperation

BENEFITS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

Active listening has several benefits. First, it forces people to listen attentively to others. Second, it avoids misunderstandings, as people have to confirm that they do really understand what another person has said. Third, it tends to open people up, to get them to say more. When people are in conflict, they often contradict each other, denying the opponent’s description of a situation. This tends to make people defensive, and they will either lash out, or withdraw and say nothing more. However, if they feel that their opponent is really attuned to their concerns and wants to listen, they are likely to explain in detail what they feel and why. If both parties to a conflict do this, the chances of being able to develop a solution to their mutual problem becomes much greater. And the other benefits are:

l Shows empathy

l Builds relationships

ACTIVE LISTENING (4 STEPS)

Have you had the experience of really needing to talk with someone - needing them to listen, support, understand - and coming away feeling confused, angry, sad, disillusioned: in short, feeling worse than you did before talking with that person? Consider the following:

"Nothing feels so good as being understood, not evaluated or judged. When I try to share some feeling aspect of myself and my communication is met with evaluation, reassurance, distortion of my meaning, I know what it is to be alone." (Carl Rogers, psychologist)

Listening is hard work! Active listening is more than just skill; it's also a matter of attitude.

Active listening has four steps:

1. Listen

2. Question

3. Reflect-Paraphrase

4. Agree

STEP 1:LISTEN

• To Feelings As Well As Words

– Words – Emotions -- Implications

• Focus on Speaker

– Don’t plan, speak, or get distracted

• What Is Speaker Talking About?

– Topic? Speaker? Listener? Others?

• Look At Speaker

• Use Verbal & Non-Verbal Encouragers

As the speaker talks, listen for the main ideas. Look for feelings and pay attention to the speaker’s body language. Do not interrupt the speaker. Simply listen empathically with the goal of fully understanding what the speaker is saying. Try to set aside your own feelings and opinions.

Opening door to good conversation shows an interest…. But it must be done sincerely, without judgment.

As we indicated above, the listen step has the active listening techniques which are verbal&non-verbal encourages and non-verbal behavior.

1.Encouragement

• The purpose is to convey interest and to keep the person talking.

• The simplest technique is encouraging someone to continue.

• Concentrate attention upon the speaker

• To do this don’t agree or disagree. Use noncommittal words in a positive tone of voice. Use neutral words.

• Use varying voice intonations

"Can you tell me more.

“I see…” “uh-huh…” “That’s interesting” “What did you say then?” “What did he say when you said that?” “Right” “Okay” “Sure” “Yeah” “Yes” “Wow” “Really?”

• You may simply repeat one or two words of the person's previous statement.

Example of Encouraging:

Speaker: "I feel uneasy about eating this food." Encouraging: "uneasy?" or "hmmm..."

• Be aware of your body language!

2.Non-Verbal Behavior

Use nonverbal behaviors to raise the channel of interpersonal communication. Nonverbal communication is facial expressions like smiles, gestures, eye contact, and even your posture. This shows the person you are communicating with that you are indeed listening actively and will prompt further communications while keeping costly, time-consuming misunderstandings at a minimum.

Non-Verbal Active Listening Techniques:

(1) Maintaining appropriate eye contact with the interviewee.

(2) Occasionally nodding affirmatively to display understanding and interest.

(3) Using expectant pauses to indicate to the interviewee that more is expected.

Non-verbal communication (NVC), sometimes referred to as ‘body language:

NVC, which can be either intentional or unintentional, is more likely to be believed than the spoken word.

.. .... Words alone are often not enough to communicate all that we want to say.

.. .... NVC is used as an aid to speech or to replace it altogether.

.. .... NVC provides information about the emotional state and attitudes of a speaker or listener.

.. .... First impressions of people are often related to NVC.

.. .... NVC is often an indicator of whether a situation is formal or informal.

.. .... Successful speaking and listening depends on feedback, and this is a major use of NVC.

The various forms of NVC that we all use:

.. .... touch – greetings, farewells, relationships

.. .... sound – volume, tone, stress, accent,

.. .... timing and speed of delivery of speech

.. .... smell – controlled (e.g. perfumes)

.. .... proximity – distance between people, personal territory

.. .... posture – the way someone stands or sits; the position of arms, legs, back and shoulders

.. .... dress – clothes, hair and appearance are controlled

.. .... eye contact – indicates attention and regulates conversations

.. .... gestures – to aid or replace the spoken word; some are universal, some are peculiar to certain cultures

.. .... facial expressions – express emotions and provide feedback during conversations.

.. …. use of silence

Nonverbal attending is physically signaling that you are listening. The use of nonverbal attending:

• Sets a comfortable tone

• Encourages the speaker to keep talking

• Demonstrates your concern & interest

• Signals to the speaker that you are interested in what they have to say and that

you are following the conversation.

Examples:

• Maintaining eye contact

• Leaning slightly forward

• Allowing pauses

• Raising eyebrows

• Smiling

• Nodding

Communication through Eyes

u Nonverbal communication is always revealed through the eyes.

u Normal eye contact means communication is open.

u Looking down indicates rejection.

u Avoiding eye contact suggests that the person is not comfortable with the conversation’s topic or the other person.

u Stares can indicate dislike.

u A person may be sincere if the eyes move upward when discussing stories about the past. Eyes move upward to retrieve information.

u However, if the eyes move side to side when recalling information, the person is likely to be lying.

Non-verbal attending assists you in staying focused on what is being said so that you don’t risk missing key points. It’s physically telling your mind - don’t wander – this is important – stay tuned.

STEP 2:QUESTION

• 3 Purposes

– Demonstrates you are listening

– Gather information

– Clarification

• Open-ended

– Tell me more?

– How did you feel?

– Then what happened?

The Question step is the process of bringing vague material into sharper focus.

e.g.

I’m confused, let me try to sate what I think you were trying to say.

You’ve said so much, let me see if I’ve got it all

You can ask questions until you are both confident that you have understood. Since your goal is to understand what is being said, you may need to get more historical information to accomplish that objective. Doing this also let's the other know that you are truly interested in understanding him/her. Active listening questions are non-leading and non-judgmental.

When you asked some questions:

– Show interest

(I’d like to hear your opinion on this.”

– Encourage more explanation

(What do you think the problem is?)

– Keep the person talking

(Tell me more…)

– Ask questions but not too many

There are several types of questions that are useful in clarifying your understanding of your partner's experience. They are YES/NO QUESTIONS, OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS, PROBING OR FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS and LEADING QUESTIONS. But the open-ended questions are best:

1.YES/NO QUESTIONS (Closed questions):

This type of question involves asking a question that requires only a "YES" or "NO" response. If you use this type of question, you can expect to get a very short answer. It will NOT encourage your partner to elaborate although sometimes he/she may do so anyway. Once you have used this kind of question, you may want to follow it up with an open-ended question.

Closed Questions

• Pros: Useful when answers require little or no explanation, saves time, and makes it easy to tabulate results.

• Cons: Limits information that can be obtained, makes it easy to lie, can make people feel like they are on witness stand.

2.OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS:

This type of question DOES NOT seek a "YES" or "NO" response. Instead, it elicits more information from the speaker. Open-ended questions begin with words like “Tell me about…Why…How…Describe…Explain. This type of question might include:

What happened?

What else happened?

What do you mean by __________?

How did you feel when that happened?

What did you like/dislike about what happened?

“Can you tell me more about…?”

“What did you mean when you said…?”

Your choice of which questions to use will depend on the situation.

Open-ended questions, suggesting areas for exploration without anticipating specific content of the speaker’s response. The cycle-of-experience model provides areas for open-ended questions:

Observation: "What happened?"

Meaning: "What do you mean?"

Affect: "How do you feel?"

Motive: "What do you want?"

Action: "What will you do?"

• Pros: Useful when you’re not sure of what information you need or if you want to know how someone feels about an issue.

• Cons: Can take a lot of time and require ore note taking, more difficult to control, and interviewee may not be sure what you want.

Limit why-questions to inquiries about meaning: "Why do you believe that?" Why-questions about other areas of experience may seem challenging, for example, "Why won’t you do that?" or they may not be readily answerable, for example, "Why are you depressed?" (To which people may answer, "I don’t know.") Another type of open-ended question which may not be productive is the ritual question. Ritual question, like "How are you?" may signal that you are being polite, and people are inclined to respond in a superficial way.

3.PROBING/FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS

• Asking another question to clarify or obtain further information about a interviewee’s response.

• Pros: Useful when the interviewee provides inadequate answers, stimulates discussion, and can be used to resolve inconsistencies.

• Cons: Can make interviewee become overly defensive.

4.LEADING QUESTIONS

• Phrased to indicate a preferred response.

• “You don’t still use that process, do you?”

• Indicates the auditor asking the question isn’t objective.

Benefits of questions:

• OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

– Provides additional information.

– Probes for deeper understanding.

– Encourages the speaker to open up

– Allows the speaker to expand on the subject in a free-ranging, comprehensive way.

– Lets the speaker know that his/her thinking matters to you

– Loosens up quiet or reticent people

– • Helps vent anger or negative emotions

• CLOSED QUESTIONS

– Focus discussion.

Other Questioning Tips

• Avoid asking multiple questions at once.

• Generally, it’s best to start with open questions (go from general to more specific).

• Best questions are short, clear, objective.

• Ask questions in logical order.

• Allow for quiet, thinking time.

• Take notes.

STEP 3: REFLECT-PARAPHRASE

In that step listeners will use some other techniques for active listening process.;

Reflecting,
Paraphrasing,
Reframing,
Acknowleding,
Summarizing

1.REFLECTING

Reflection, or reflective response technique, borrowed from certain types of counseling techniques, is designed to elicit as full a sense as possible of the speaker's thoughts and especially feelings. It is a way of helping someone explore her own personal meanings. This technique involves reflecting back to the speaker what you believe she has said in order to verify (or clarify) your understanding and to encourage the speaker to continue elaborating on her point of view.

WHY YOU DO IT

v to show you understand how the person feels

v to reflect what you are observing rather than what you are hearing

v to help the person evaluate their own feelings after hearing them expressed by someone else

HOW YOU DO IT

v listen to voice tone and watch for non-verbal cues that indicate feelings

v listen to what the person tells you about what they feel

v state back your sense or hunch of what they are feeling

An active listener is already using aspects of this technique, but reflection requires taking even greater care in the following area:

Reflect the speaker's thoughts and feelings. Restate what you believe the speaker has said to check for the accuracy of your understanding (e.g., "So you couldn't finish the assignment on time." "Then you think the time allotted was inadequate?"). Even more importantly, reflect back the speaker's feelings as you have heard or inferred them (e.g., "You seem to feel anxious because you couldn't finish the assignment on time."). This interpretation of feelings is, of course, more tricky in that it often requires you to read between the lines, to infer feelings underlying what has been said (e.g., "You seem angry about the reorganization," rather than "So the department was reorganized."). Thus you may want to use wording or voice tone make your inferences into questions, rather than statements (e.g., "So you feel anxious because you couldn't finish the assignment on time?" "Do you feel anxious because you couldn't finish the assignment on time?").

2.PARAPHRASING

Check the accuracy of your understanding what the speaker is saying by paraphrasing back to them what they just said using your own words.

WHY YOU DO IT

v to show the other person you have been listening to what they are saying,

v to check meaning and interpretation

HOW YOU DO IT

v restate basic ideas and facts in your own words

Introduce your paraphrase with such comments as:

So, if I understand you right, you’re saying …(repeat what they just said in your own words) … Do I have it right?

Let me see if I get what you mean. You’re suggesting that… Is that it?

OK, your point is that… Correct?

Use your paraphrasing to separate factual content from feelings by saying something like:

– The factual situation is … (repeat their facts) … and the way you feel about that is… (empathetically describe how you think they feel). Is that right? Move toward problem solving

3.REFRAME

We can define“reframing” as “preserving the content of a communication” but altering its form so it can be heard and possibly result in a solution.

Why You Do It?

v to help the other person see their concerns in a new light

v to broaden the meaning of an issue to identify needs or interests

v to diffuse negative feelings

v to establish the focus for resolution

How You Do It?

v recognize underlying needs

v re-word concerns from

past → future;

problem → opportunity;

interpersonal → system;

rights/wrongs → impacts;

positions → interests;

singular → multiple

Concern: “She always talks to everyone else but me when there is a problem.”

Reframe: “It sounds as if you would like more direct communication to resolve concerns.”

4.ACKNOWLEDGING

Demonstrate an understanding of their perspective and their feelings.

Why You Do It?

v to convey that you appreciate the other person’s perspective

v to acknowledge the worthiness of the other person

v Note: this is not the same as agreement

How You Do It?

v acknowledge the value of their issues and feelings

v show appreciation for their efforts and actions

Example: “That must have been very frustrating.”

5.SUMMARIZE

Bring together the facts and pieces of the problem to check understanding.

Why You Do It?

v to review progress

v to pull together important ideas and information

v to establish a foundation for further discussion

How You Do It?

v restate the central ideas and feelings you have heard

Example: “Let’s see if I have a clear understanding of your experience at this point…”

“So basically what is most important to you is…”

STEP 4: AGREE

• Get Speaker’s Consent to Your Reframing

• Speaker Has Been Heard and Knows It!

• Solution Is Near!

Remember that the objective of all of this is increase understanding of the other’s point of view, not necessarily to agree with it or support it.

“ Good listener tries to understand thoroughly what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but before he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.”

Kenneth A. WELLS

BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING

While listening to someone, there are many barriers that can prevent a person from really hearing what is being said. These barriers come from both the outside as well as the inside.

􀂃 External Barriers: These are the various things that happen around you, such as noises, clutter, and other interruptions, that act as barriers to active listening. Before you start to actively listen to someone, try to eliminate as many of these external barriers (e.g. turn off your cell phone, put down another task that you are doing, etc.)

􀂃 Internal Barriers Within the Listener: There are also many barriers to active listening that come from within the listener. They include things such as past experiences, prejudices, assumptions made, certain attitudes, and personality traits, etc. that affect how well you truly hear what is said. Here are some samples:

- Comparing: Trying to figure out how what is being said is better/worse than something else (e.g. “Does she think that she is the only unhappy person? My problem is so much bigger than hers.”)

- Personal Experience: Your own past experience can leave “emotional cotton” in your ears. This can cause you to misinterpret what someone is saying based on your own personal experience—not there’s.

- Automatic Talking: Listener responds to the first recognized word speaker says; not to the overall meaning of what the speaker has said.

- Mind-Reading: Thinking in advance that you know what someone is going to say. This can lead to mentally “tuning out” before the speaker is finished talking, or worse yet, interrupting the person to finish their sentence. In either case, this leads to misunderstanding, frustration, and possibly even anger.

- Rehearsing: Trying to figure out what you are going to say in response. Instead of listening to the person, you are thinking about your response to them.

- Judging: Discounting or judging the speaker’s values and therefore writing off what the person is saying. This distorts your ability to really hear their message. (e.g. “Look at that haircut” or “He’s loud and obnoxious.”)

- Day Dreaming: Something the speaker says has triggered your own thought process and you start to day dream.

- Fixing/Advising: This is the tendency to only listen initially to the speaker, then begin to search for a fix or advice to offer the person. Note: People overall do not want to be “fixed”, and most suggestions will be disregarded (unless specifically asked for) and may result in anger toward the fixer.

- Sparring: You focus on things that you disagree with and will verbally attack the person when they are finished speaking. You fail to take into consideration that this person’s experiences are unique, and that only he/she is the expert on themselves.

- Filtering / Twisting the Message: You only hear what you want to hear and ignore everything else. You do not really hear what is being said.

- Making Assumptions: This is the process of coming to some kind of conclusion about someone or something with incomplete information. Assumptions about people are made constantly, and can severely limit your ability to communicate effectively and honestly with other people.

- Perceptual Errors: Perceptions of people and events are often distorted due to the failure to consider important information. You can overemphasize certain things, while downplaying others. This process is affected by a number of factors: age, health, sex, culture, social roles, previous experiences, and even self-concept. People tend to judge others on the basis of how they view ourselves.

􀂃 Barriers Within the Speaker: Sometimes the barriers come from the speaker themselves, which can make true communication difficult. They include:

- Expectations: Speakers may sometimes have certain expectations of the listener and these are often not expressed to others. This is where clarifying what the speaker has said and asking pertinent questions is important.

- Risk Taking: Taking risks in communication can be scary but necessary. Often the speaker has this silent question: “If I risk myself and this is all I’ve got, what will happen if I am rejected?” That is why it is very important as a listener to accept and respect the person for what he/she is.

- Avoidance: A speaker may avoid certain subjects or disclosures if they feel it might be unsafe to talk about for a variety of reasons. That is why it is important to let speakers say what they want without fear of being judged, ridiculed or verbally attacked.

- Speaking in Code: This refers to speaking in a language or jargon that is only understood by some people--not all. Even though it is usually done with realizing it, it’s not polite and keeps understanding low. This can be overcome by the listener asking open-ended questions for clarification.

- Boundary: A boundary is something you have developed that defines what is good or bad for you. These are accumulated during our lifetime for protection and can become a learned method of existing. Some people have no boundaries and it often gets them into trouble. They may offer far more information than what is asked for and may become a turnoff to others.

CHARACTERISTICS OF A GOOD ACTIVE LISTENER

To listen actively is not a simple activity. The following are important characteristics of a "good active listener."

Be there

Be present in heart, mind and spirit with the person. Begin with a clear intention to understand the other person before you seek to have him/her understand you because you really need to hear what s/he has to say first. If you don't have the time, or don't want to listen, wait until you do. Displaying the proper attitude with open body language is important, as well as matching your tempo and tone with the tempo and tone of the person you are listening to.

Listen carefully to the person

Don't plan what you are going to say. Don't think of how you can interrupt. Don't think of how to solve the problem, how to admonish, how to console, or what the person "should" do. Refuse to be blinded by your own prejudices. Don't think or struggle to react.... just listen. Also, watch for what will never be said out loud. Read the nonverbal signals of others.

Accept the person and his/her feelings

The meaning of what the person is trying to say is in a combination of content and feeling. Accept the person and their feelings without judgment or reservation. Don't stereotype the person even though s/he may be very different from you. Also, accept whatever the person's feelings may be or how they may differ from what you think a person "should" feel. Don't be afraid that just because the feeling is expressed the person will always feel that way. Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong; they just exist and can change, too.

Stay with the other person's point of view without becoming that person

Put yourself in the other person's shoes at his/her point of reference. Don't become that person, but understand what s/he is feeling, saying, or thinking. For clarification try translating what the other person is saying into your own words without being repetitious. Stay separate enough to be objective, but involved enough to help.

Trust the person enough to keep out of it

Trust the person's ability to handle his/her own feelings, work through them, and find solutions to his/her own problems. Stay Objective. Refrain from offering solutions in order to keep yourself removed. Don't intrude on what the person is trying to say.

Most people spend roughly 70% of their waking hours in some form of verbal communication.

Are You a Good Listener?

Ø Do you frequently think of other things when others are talking to you?

Ø Do you doodle, shuffle papers, look at the clock or out the window, read the newspaper, or watch TV?

Ø Do you silently argue with the talker?

Ø Do you only selectively hear ideas that fit your beliefs?

Ø Do you feel most people have little to talk about that is interesting or important?

Ø Do you listen passively without any facial expressions?

Ø Do you frequently interrupt others as they are speaking?

Ø Do you complete sentences or ideas for people when they pause to think?

Ø Do you silently criticize characteristics of the speaker: voice, looks, manner of speaking?

Ø Do you have to ask people to repeat what they said because you have forgotten?

Yet, how many of us have ever had any formal training in the art of listening? Here are some things you can do to improve your listening skills.

1. Stop Talking! You cannot listen if you are speaking.

2. Approach the listening experience from a state of calm. To be centered is to be calm at a very deep level, to be without agendas or predispositions as to the outcome, and to be open to experience. Centeredness is a prerequisite to truly open listening. It sets the stage for the points below.

3. Help put the speaker at ease – try to remain open- minded, accept the person and his/her feelings, and show that you trust the person enough to avoid interfering. Create a relaxed environment.

4. Never rule out any topic of discussion as uninteresting. Creative people are always on the lookout for new information. While some conversations may be inane, it’s wise to make sure the subject is not worthwhile before tuning out.

5. Demonstrate that you want to listen – stay alert by standing or sitting straight, if sitting lean forward slightly, and maintain eye contact. Show the speaker you are interested.

6. Accept the speaker’s message. On the face of it, this would seem to be an argument for gullibility—for believing almost anything anyone tells you. It’s not. The point here is to suspend judgment during the immediate experience of listening. In accepting “as is”, you’re not making a determination as to the truth or falsity of the statement, you’re simply acknowledging exactly what the speaker is saying—right or wrong, good or bad, true or false. This capacity for total acceptance frees the mind to listen for other clues, for example ...

7. Remove distractions – this includes your preoccupations, daydreaming, and presumptions, as well as environmental distractions. Don't doodle, tap, shuffle paper, use the computer. Shut the door, turn off the television.

8. Listen for the whole message. One estimate has it that 75% of all communication is non-verbal. If you take away the words, what’s left? Plenty, it turns out. Beyond the words themselves is a host of clues as to what the speaker is communicating. Some examples: posture (rigid or relaxed, closed or open); facial expression (does it support the words?); hands (clenched, open, relaxed, tense?); eyes (does the speaker maintain eye contact?); voice tone (does it match the words?); movement (are the speaker’s movements intense, relaxed, congruent (with the message) or conflicting; do they suggest that the whole speech is “staged”?) What you’re looking for here are inconsistencies between what is said and what is really meant, clues that tell you the spoken message isn’t really genuine. Get the idea?

9. Practice Active Listening – ask questions, seek clarification, reflect the speaker’s feelings, and periodically summarize. Ask questions! This encourages others & shows you are listening while developing ideas further.

10. Don’t get hung up on the speaker’s delivery. Then there are factors that simply reveal an awkwardness in delivery rather than any attempt to mislead. The key is being able to distinguish between the two. It’s easy to get turned off when someone speaks haltingly, has an irritating voice, or just doesn’t come across well. The key to good listening, however, is to get beyond the manner of delivery to the underlying message. In order for this to happen, you have to resolve not to judge the message by the delivery style. It’s amazing how much more clearly you can “hear” once you’ve made the decision to really listen rather than to criticize.

11. Empathize – seek first to understand the speaker’s words, intent, and feelings. Try avoiding autobiographical responses, a.k.a. relating the information to your self, because it has a tendency to make others feel like their message isn’t unique. Try to see the other person's point of view.

12. Avoid structured listening. It’s popular among some communications teachers to recommend a format for listening, either in the form of questions (“What is the speaker’s main point? What is he/she really saying?) or key words (e.g., purpose, evidence, intent). The problem with this approach is that it creates a dialogue of noise in the listener’s mind which interferes with clear reception. Better to operate from the openness of the centered state (above) and receive the information just as it comes, without any attempt to structure or judge it. Think of your mind as similar to the central processing unit of a computer in which the data comes in and is stored without change, available for subsequent access.

13. Be patient – Do not interrupt. Allow plenty of time, do not interrupt, do not ever walk away. If the conversation becomes heated, reschedule another time to sit down.

14. Hold your temper!

15. Tune out distractions. Poor listeners are distracted by interruptions; good listeners tune them out and focus on the speaker and the message. It’s a discipline that lends itself to specific techniques for maintaining one’s focus. Here are some things that will help:

Maintain eye contact with the speaker; lean forward in your chair; let the speaker’s words “ring” in your ears; and turn in your chair, if necessary, to block out unwanted distractions.

16. Acknowledge Criticism, but don’t React – if the speaker offers criticism, seek to absorb it and acknowledge that it has been offered, but avoid becoming defensive or angry. If you decide in advance not to become defensive, then there is no need to think about your own plan of attack (i.e. counter arguments, excuses, denial), and there is more time to listen to the speaker.

17. Go easy on arguments & criticism. This attitude will put others on the defensive, making communication difficult.

18. Be alert to your own prejudices. This goes along with #3 above, but it’s so important that you may want to think specifically about the impact of your prejudices on your ability to really hear what’s being communicated. Often, we are unaware how strongly our prejudices influence our willingness and ability to hear. The fact is: any prejudice, valid or not, tends to obscure the message.

19. Resist the temptation to rebut. Why is it that, when we hear someone saying something with which we strongly disagree, we immediately begin mentally formulating a rebuttal? Many reasons, but one of the most common is our natural tendency to resist any new information that conflicts with what we believe. Keep in mind: you can always rebut later, when you’ve heard the whole message and had time to think about it.

20. Take notes sparingly. The world seems to be split between those who take prolific notes and those who take few or none, with each side equally strong in its position. I come down toward the latter view for this reason: the more focused you are on writing down what is being said, the more likely you are to miss the nuances of the conversation. There are two good ways around this dilemma. You can write down only key words and then, after the conversation, meeting, etc., go back and fill in, or you can take notes pictorially, that is, by diagramming what the speaker is saying. It’s a technique called, “mindmapping” and it was first popularized by a writer named Tony Buzan well over a decade ago in a book entitled, “Use Your Head”. You may want to look up his books; he’s written several.

21. Stop Talking! First & last, this is most important!

ACTIVE LISTENING AND NEGOTIATION

Active listening is important for identifying and creating negotiating goals, because listening helps to orient the negotiator to the environment. When they listen, negotiators have an opportunity to learn about the other parties, the issues, and the situation. The key is to listen for needs on the other side, for opportunities to meet those needs, and for ways to adapt proposals to the needs of the other side. Listeners gain bargaining power; talkers often exhaust it. Because people do not learn much while they are talking, negotiators should attempt to talk less than %50 of time.

In negotiation, there are four major reasons to listen:

to discover the needs of constituents and teammates;
to learn the other side’s proposals and strengths;
to discern subtle position changes and openings; and
to show other side that their proposals are understood.

Though self-explanatory, neither of the first two objectives is easy to accomplish. Misunderstandings occur even in the best communication circumstances. Good paraphrasing skills help to produce better listening results in negotiation. The act of repeating back the other side’s general statement reduces misunderstanding but it also imposes a valuable discipline on the listener.

Listening for the subtle signs from the other side requires the same sharp concentration, but the payoffs are high for those who understand the message hidden in the speaker’s words. Speakers who take a hard line may find it nearly impossible to admit they were wrong. Negotiators who are alert and sensitive to small signals showing a shifting position are in a position to find agreements.

When the talks become personal, negotiators tend to rationalize their behavior and justify their positions, even as they project undesirable characteristics on the other side. Hostilities can harden because each side has difficulty retreating from the harsh accusations and characterizations it has made. To break these patterns, it may take someone who can carefully listen for minuscule movement in the position of the other side. Those who have learned to listen well can make great contributions to reaching agreements.

The last major reason for active listening is that it demonstrates to members of the other side that the negotiator has a strong desire to know what they are saying. This holds true whether negotiations are friendly or hostile, initimate or formal. It is desirable for the other side to see that the negotiator is listening. Good listening helps to promote greater communication from the other side.

In addition to the other substantial gains, listening and the image of being a good listener have an interpersonal payoff. Negotiators respond to warmth and empathy of listening behavior with reciprocal feelings. Accurate restatement of the negotiator’s position produces a greater willingness to reach agreement. Listening behavior can demonstrate a sense of both understanding and caring to the other side.

Good listening skills are useful for discovering the needs of constituents, for understanding the case the other side is presenting, for detecting subtle movement in the other side, for demonstrating a sense of understanding and concern to them.

CONCLUSION

Listening is a critical communication skill for managers and consultants, as well as for all of us in our personal lives. Advising someone well on a career, personal, or organizational issue requires that you understand that person's point of view. You can't negotiate effectively until you understand what the other person wants. Effective persuasion depends on a clear understanding of the other person's perspective. In all of these situations, active listening, is crucial to achieving your ultimate communication objectives.

Active listening is a skill that, like other communication skills, must be developed. It does not come naturally to most of us. By practicing you can develop these skills and then integrate them with your other communication skills.

REFERENCES

Cushman Donald P., Cahn Dudley D., Communication in Interpersonal Relationships, Newyork Pres (1985)
DeVito Joseph A.,Communication: Concepts and Processes, Prentice-Hall(1971)
Fisher Aubrey, Interpersonal Communication, Mc-Grawhill (1994)
Johnson Ralph A., Negotiation Basics, SAGE Publications (1993)
Karrass Chester L., Give&Take (1974)
Nierenberg Gerard I.,The Complete Negotiator, Perkins Associations (1973)
John Stewart, 6th edition, (New York: McGraw- Hill, 1995)